Where are you from?

Bose was Indian until recently and is now a US citizen; Anna is English and hopes to be a joint UK/US citizen soon.

Where did you meet?

We met in New York City (where we both live) at a dinner organized by a colleague of Anna who is married to a high school friend of Bose.

What language do you speak at home?

We speak English – neither of us speaks another language fluently. Bose speaks a little Malayalam (the language of Kerala, India) but is no longer fluent. His Spanish is probably better than his Malayalam.

Do you try to cook food from each other’s countries?

We both enjoy food from many countries and our cooking at home reflects that. Anna cooks some traditional English foods; Bose likes to learn how to cook these and other dishes from Anna. Neither of us have learned to prepare Keralan food so we do not cook that at home – but we enjoy it when visiting Bose’s parents or sister.

Can you explain one part of your partner’s culture that you found surprising?

Anna: I was surprised by the segregation of men and women at social gatherings in Kerala. This seems to stem in large part from the fact that women do not (or are expected not to) drink alcohol or smoke in Kerala, while the men drink like fish and often smoke. Therefore, the men tend to gather around the bar, standing in groups to talk while drinking and smoking while the ladies sit around tables drinking juice. At home, the same thing happens after dinner – the ladies retire to one room to chat while the men go to drink in another.

Bose: No real surprises although I was surprised at how much I liked English food after all the jokes one hears about English cooking.

What’s the best thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Anna: Exposure to another culture! Of course, it is great to have the opportunity to learn about another culture from the horse’s mouth, so to speak, to travel to the country of your partner, to experience home life in that country and to broaden one’s horizons and make new acquaintances through that experience.

Bose: Discovering treacle tart.

What’s the hardest thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Bose: The biggest challenges were more logistical than cultural. We have to do a lot of travelling to keep in touch with our families.

Anna: It is certainly a challenge to spend sufficient time with our families because they are so far from us and from each other, geographically, as well as culturally. We live in the USA, while Anna’s parents are in England and Bose’s parents are in India. We have an 18 month old son who cannot spend much time with his grandparents and of course it is expensive in terms of time and money to visit our parents each year. Our parents have never met each other. Of course some people may think distance from the in-laws is a benefit of a cross-cultural marriage!

Do you have any advice for other cross-cultural couples?

Anna: Be sure to discuss where you would like to live for the rest of your lives - this could be a tough discussion but you have to have it.

Bose: Reiterate Anna’s point that this should be resolved thoroughly before getting married (even more thoroughly than we did).

Read more:
Meet Sharell and Pradeep (Australia and India)
Meet Ozlem and Javier (Turkey and Spain)
Meet Matthew and Shinichi (USA and Japan)

Where are you from?

(Matthew): I’m from the United States and Shinichi is Japanese.

Where did you meet?

We met in Tokyo twelve years ago when a mutual friend brought him to my birthday party.

What language do you speak at home?

The language we speak depends on the situation, but daily conversation is about half English and half Japanese. Once the subject turns serious (money matters, disagreements, etc) we tend to switch into English. We also have a large vocabulary of words in our own language – sort of a goofy blend of Japanese and English that have evolved over time to be completely incomprehensible to others.

Do you try to cook food from each other’s countries?

Like the way we speak to each other, our cooking is a mixture of Western and Japanese. Thai, Indian, Chinese, Mexican and Italian dishes are often on the menu as well. We always have yogurt, fruit and toast in the mornings – Japanese breakfasts of grilled fish and fermented soybeans don’t go well with coffee, in my opinion.

Can you explain one part of your partner’s culture that you found surprising?

Though my partner and his family are not religious, I was surprised at their observance of customs such as keeping a shrine in their home and the regular visits to the family cemetery plot. It was quite unnerving the first time I went to wash the gravestones as I literally felt a century’s worth of ancestors staring down at me.

With time I became more relaxed and now actually look forward to the tombstone-cleaning days – it reminds me that I am an accepted part of his family (accepted by the living ones anyway).

What’s the best thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Obviously, this relationship has also allowed me to experience Japan in a truly fundamental way that no visitor could possibly imagine. However, after 9 years of being together, it rarely even occurs to me that our relationship is “cross-cultural”. A large number of our friends are also cross-cultural couples and I think that makes it seem rather like the norm as opposed to something special.

What’s the hardest thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Worrying about what country we could live in together was that hardest part of our relationship. Although we have a marriage certificate from Canada, neither his nor my country recognize us as a couple. My ability to stay in Japan depended on whether or not I had a job and there is no way he could get a visa for the US so we were always anxious that there might be a day when we would have to live apart. We have been trying to immigrate to Australia – a country that does recognize our commitment. Recently, however, I was granted permanent residency in Japan thus diminishing the fear of being separated.

Do you have any advice for other cross-cultural couples?

Yes - learn each other’s languages and, if possible, spend a good amount of time in each other’s countries. This is key to understanding your partner’s perspective and it alleviates a good deal of miscommunication.

I also think spending time together in a third country is a fantastic way to strengthen your relationship. It puts you in a situation where you are both equally foreign and you learn to work as a couple instead of relying on the one who is in their home country.

We’d like to interrupt the interviews this week to recommend a post on cross-cultural couples over on Expat Harem.

It talks about some of the difficulties faced by cross-cultural marriages, but also their power to build links and create understanding between different cultures:

If marriage is the smallest unit of a community, then cross-cultural couples are ambassadors, peace-makers, and change-agents.

Living with a partner from another country or background, every day provides an opportunity to learn something about how people from other cultures see the world.

And as we’ve seen in so many of the stories on these pages, it doesn’t stop with the couple. Often family and friends also become part of the adventure! Who can say where the ripples end?

Read more:
Meet Özlem and Javier: interview with a cross-cultural couple
Why Italians don’t use towels
Dinner with the in-laws in Chile
Immigrants and expats: citizens of the world

Where are you from?

Özlem: I’m Turkish and Javier is Spanish

Where did you meet?

We met in Bursa (in Turkey) in a dinner organized by a mutual friend.

What language do you speak at home?

At the beginning we were speaking in English. Later I started to learn Spanish and for me to practice it we started to speak in Spanish. After, we moved to Barcelona, then in order that Javier does not lose his Turkish now we speak in Turkish.

Do you try to cook food from each other’s countries?

We don’t have a preference about the country, both of us like each other’s cuisine but normally Javier cooks Spanish Food and me Turkish. The food is quite similar but in general Spanish dishes include more seafood and Turkish dishes more meat.

Can you explain one part of your partner’s culture that you found surprising?

Özlem: The most surprising thing in Spanish culture for me is that they have dinner very late, around 10 o’clock in the night. In Turkey normally we have dinner lately at 7 o’clock. Oh my god, it is very difficult to keep until that hour and later to sleep properly. I will never be able to get used to it!

Javier: One of the things that surprises me about the Turkish culture is the huge sense of hospitality, they meet you today and tomorrow you are at their home having dinner and finally it happens like me…. you get married!!!

What’s the best thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

You do not stop learning things about each other’s culture and this makes you more open-minded.

What’s the hardest thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Sometimes it is difficult to explain some feelings but on the other hand it is nice because it makes you learn more about those feelings.

For instance the way that we feel when we listen to a song in Turkish or Spanish is different because of the difference of the languages and cultures.

Do you have any advice for other cross-cultural couples?

It is very helpful to learn each other’s language. Also we hope for more cross-cultural couples to help work towards… WORLDWIDE PEACE!!!

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Where are you from?

Sharell: I’m Australian and Pradeep is Indian

Where did you meet?

In Kolkata, India, where we were both working at the time. (We’ve since settled in Mumbai).

What language do you speak at home?

We speak a combination of English and Hindi. In the beginning, we only spoke in English. However, the more my Hindi improves, the more of it we speak to each other. My parents in law don’t speak English, so I always speak in Hindi to them (to varying degrees of success!).

Do you try to cook food from each other’s countries?

I do cook a lot of Indian food because we both love it, and because the ingredients are readily available and inexpensive here in India. I also make typical Australian food like grilled meat and salads from time to time, but not very often. It becomes too bland! Other types of food I regularly cook are Italian (mainly pasta) and Chinese. Ingredients for Italian food are harder to come by though, and are often imported and costly.

Can you explain one part of your partner’s culture that you found surprising?

Having to bathe in the morning before eating breakfast. Traditional Hindus consider it to be unclean if they don’t bathe before eating in the morning. My husband isn’t very traditional, and we don’t practice this at home. Therefore, I was quite surprised when I stayed at my in-law’s place (who are traditional) and my mother in law was very reluctant to serve me breakfast. Instead, she kept asking me if I wanted to take a shower (obviously too polite to tell me that I was unclean and shouldn’t eat). Finally, I figured it out!

What’s the best thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

The richness that comes from discovering another culture. Being in a cross cultural relationship is a great way to learn and experience new things, and broaden your view of the world. I also love the spiritual aspect of India, and feel like it’s added a great perspective to my life.

What’s the hardest thing about being in a cross-cultural relationship?

The different ways of behaving, and trying to understand what is normal behaviour for the culture and not getting upset by it.

Indians prefer to ask for directions (which often turn out to be wrong!) rather than rely on maps, they aren’t very punctual, and can be quite intrusive. I’ve found the lack of privacy in India quite hard to deal with. Visitors turn up unannounced, and people commonly ask personal questions. However, I’ve had to recognise that this is the cultural norm and try to adapt. India has definitely required me to relax, open up, and become more accepting!

Do you have any advice for other cross-cultural couples?

Try to understand and appreciate each other’s cultures as much as possible. Also, adapt to fit into the culture where necessary. You’ll get more respect from people that way.

Read more from Sharell on her blog Diary of a White Indian Housewife. She also writes about India travel for About.com.

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